I feel so moody these days. Loss in interest in many things, lonely, feels like someone's strangling me , choking me of breathing space. Juggling assignments is one thing, taking on other people's work is another. I don't want to score any more credits for my topics, last semester hit by one incident, now it looks like I'm gonna be hit by a triple whammy this semester.
Clashing schedules between work and studies meant that I miss one lesson every week, horrible group work in one topic where I feel I'm carrying the whole team(yeah,they are not aiming for good grades, can't blame them, but how?), 1 super hardworking group where meeting are held every week. And for the third topic, I absolutely sucks at PHP programming, no way I'm gonna score in any topics this semester.
It makes me wonder, why did I come here in the first place. I feel so disappointed in myself. My panic attacks hit me every now and then when I'm stressed out doing my tasks. Except for supporting the house's loan payment back in Singapore, I'm basically earning nuts here, can't provide for my own family, can't support my mother's hospital fees, can't help my dad with his debts. The least I could do is study well and well is not getting credits... I need high Distinctions, or the very least Distinctions. But it looks like a forlorn thing now.
Work wise, there was a time when I felt the 'chop' is coming - for clearing all the things I'm hired for. Nowadays, things looks so quiet, I need to find 'things' to do. Don't know when I'll be chopped. Again, I can't leave because where on earth you find someone to pay you this rate, and for this amount of timing only? If I find another job, the work schedule might eat up more of my studying time.
I'm actually turning this into a complaint post. haha.. Sometime life sucks. Move on will I? I can't. Not now.